Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and the MarySue
by ei-chan91
Summary: This is a fic made by my 12 year old sister. The evil wrath of the Mary Sue is unleashed upon Harry and Ron. Constructive Criticism welcome.
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter & Ronald Weasley and the

Mary Sue

Chapter 1: Mary Jaguar Amethyst Hunter Jewel Sakura Azure Rainbow Phoenix Boreal Kairi Goddess Sue

It was an ordinary day. An extraordinary person lay on her ordinary beach chair tanning. Excluding the fact that it was snowing, Mary Jaguar Amethyst Hunter Jewel Sakura Azure Rainbow Phoenix Boreal Kairi Goddess Sue was enjoying herself. She lazily flipped her gold-streaked bubblegum pink hair which fluttered effortlessly back into position.

Already knowing what was waiting for her that day, she strode into her penthouse studio. Picking up the letter which lay in the mailbox without even looking at the latter, she sighed hugely as there was no one but her pet phoenix, Sunshine to hear her. The letter read:

Dear Mary Jaguar Amethyst Hunter Jewel Sakura Azure Rainbow Phoenix Boreal Kairi Goddess Sue,

We are sorry to inform you that you will be transferring schools for the remainder of your education. The faculty at Doe-ear School of Witch-craft and Wizardry feel that you make them feel inadequate and are on the verge of mental insanity. The only school which would accept you, Hogwarts, is abroad in England. Please report to Platform 9 ¾ at King's Cross at ten o' clock on September 1st. You will need no different books than the ones you already have.

Signed,

Percival Wolffe

Headmaster Percival Wolffe of

Doe-ear School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Mary thought about how much she would miss her friends the entire school population. She didn't worry that they wouldn't remember her, how could they? She was a model student, popular and all around perfect. She cheered up a bit when she thought about an entirely new school, I mean, country, to win over. And more importantly, how many boys would fall in love with her.

End Chapter 1


	2. Le Victims

Ei-chan91's sister- sorry about the multiple words that were all jumbled together. Strikeout obviously doesn't work on fanfiction.

Chapter 2- The victims

Mary Jaguar Amethyst Hunter Jewel Sakura Azure Rainbow Phoenix Boreal Kairi Goddess Sue looked around at all the people looking at her. This wasn't anything new to her. Between Platforms 9 and 10 was a column. Already guessing, I mean, knowing what to do, she walked through the column. Breathing in the exhilarating atmosphere around the red Hogwarts express. Sadly looking at all the students with their families, she boarded the train.

After carefully considering where to sit, Mary chose a compartment which held two boys and a girl. She peeked in meekly and asked:"Is it alright if I sit in here?" The girl which had extremely bushy hair replied with an 'alright, I guess so.' Mary chose the seat next to a tall, red-haired boy with freckles and smoothed out her skirt. "My name is Mary Jaguar Amethyst Hunter Jewel Sakura Azure Rainbow Phoenix Boreal Kairi Goddess Sue, but you can call me anyone of those. Except Sue. That's my last name. And who're you?" she perkily. The girl looked mildly disgusted as she answered. "I'm Hermione Granger, that's Ron Weasley and beside me is-"she was cut off by, let's choose, I don't know- Mary with a "That's Harry potter. It's such a pleasure to meet you." Hermione looked even more annoyed and returned to a rather large book. Mary peeked at the title. "Oh, you're reading that book. In the end, it turned out the house elf did it. The book was a total waste of parchment." she remarked, totally overlooking the fact Hermione had only finished half of the book. Hermione's nails dug into the cover.

"So, anyway," Ron said. "I've never seen you around Hogwarts before." Mary saddened a bit at this. "Well," she sighed. I got sent out of my old school-"Hermione's ears perked up at this- "because I made my teacher's feel insignificant." "Um…well...jeez…that's um…" Harry groped for a word here. "Erm…that's…just…horrible?" Mary smiled at the trio as she thought out her plot. Harry was famous, true, but had no apparent love interest, so that took out some, I mean, ALL of the challenge. Ronald, on the other hand, came with one: Hermione. She obviously was one of the jealous types. Mary grinned a PERFECTLY evil grin. This was going to be FUN.


	3. Not very much of A Sorting

Chapter 3-

Chapter 3-

Mary smiled at her new idea. She decided she would need about half an hour of solitude to think it out. "Excuse me, but I think I'm going to meet other students. You don't mind, do you?" "Of course not." Hermione quickly answered. Mary grinned and left their compartment. "Oh, they're fake." Hermione scowled at the door Mary just exited through. "What are fake?" Harry asked. "Oh, come on can't you tell? Obviously an enlarging spell was used, I mean, they don't grow _that_ large." Ron looked puzzled at this remark. "Hermione, are you feeling alright?" Hermione didn't answer.

"And for the first time in the school's history," the headmaster's voice rang out through the Great Hall. "We have a transfer student. I trust that you all will make friends with Miss Mary Jaguar Amethyst Hunter Jewel Sakura Azure Rainbow Phoenix Boreal Kairi Goddess Sue." A few cheers rang out. "And now, let the sorting begin!"

Mary waited patiently for the 'S' last-names. Finally, Professor McGonnagall called out; "Sue, Mary Jaguar Amethyst Hunter Jewel Sakura Azure Rainbow Phoenix Boreal Kairi Goddess." Mary stood up and strode shyly up to the sorting stool. After sitting gracefully on the stool, the Sorting Hat mumbled something in her head. "You might as well choose your own stupid house since you already have all the stupid qualities of all these stupid houses." Mary looked slightly puzzled (in a cute way) but chose Gryffindor.

Cheers rang out from the Gryffindor table while the other houses looked like they were going to cry. Mary sat down beside Ron and began eating. Hermione looked absolutely peeved to be near her but Ron enjoyed it. Mary ate heartily and did not put on any weight or make a mess and her manners were impeccable. "Tho, Mary," Ron said over a mouthful of mashed potatoes. "Wouldju like to thee the cathle?" Hermione glared at Ronald. Mary, on the other hand, smiled and accepted. Everything was going according to plan.


	4. Dirt

Chapter 4

Ei-chan's sister- yeah, I know, blah blah blah, you haven't updated, blah blah blah. I apologize, because I got booted off my computer privileges a while back, and I'm writing a normal book. From now on, I will refer to myself as ray-chan96. Thank you.

Hermione trudged up the stairs, mumbling about curses and revenge. "Falafa Senyor," she said to the Fat Lady, and pushed herself through a gaggle of excited first-years. To her disgust, none other than _Mary_ was sitting down _on her bed_ tittering away in a musical laugh with Lavender and Parvati. "Hermione!" Mary said, without an air of surprise. "Hogwarts is such a cool school! I mean, sure, it's a lot smaller than my old school, but it has such old world charm!" Something inside Hermione told her to jump up and throttle her. "Yeah,' she grumbled instead, "where's Eloise?"

"Oh, she wanted to switch with Mary, and we're glad she did," Lavender giggled.

"Anyway, so, Mary, what did you and Ron walk of for?" Parvati asked. Suddenly she gasped. "Did you two kiss?" Now it was Parvati Hermione wanted to choke.

Mary broke out into another series of musical giggles. "Yes! We did! Right after I told him all about my life and he told me all about his. The poor boy has so many expectations to live up to, all his siblings are all better than him."

"Whatever," Hermione interrupted. "If you all don't mind, I'm going to sleep."

She couldn't take anymore of this. Hermione threw the covers over her head and grumbled in her mind. She couldn't help but overhearing every single detail about Mary's past, for Mary's melodic voice echoed under her sheets.

"So," Mary started. "My parents traveled the world and I went with them. When I was two years old, we went to England. There my parents got caught up in the first war. Voldemort-" Lavender and Parvati shuddered- "personally came to kill my parents, not only because they were so powerful and because my mother was part Veela, part mermaid and my father was part centaur, but because there was this prophecy that I would be the greatest being to ever cross the face of this earth. He tried to kidnap me but I escaped after five long years of living in a dungeon. With my parent's muggle money inheritance, I boarded a plane back to my home country, the U.S.A., where I stayed with my evil aunt until I was eleven. Then, I went to Doe-Ear. When I was thirteen, I bought a penthouse studio near the school…"

Hermione knew she would go on about her past so she cast a spell to block out the sound. It didn't work against Mary, because Hermione still heard her while she nodded off.

The next morning, Hermione sat far away from her friends at breakfast. She didn't speak until Harry asked what was wrong with her. "It's that wretched Sue down the table talking to everyone about absolutely nothing important."

"Actually," Harry said wisely, "she's talking about how she single-handedly convinced the house-elves to ask for wages." Hermione's knife cut straight through her orange. "But you know, there is something fishy about Mary Jaguar Amethyst Hunter Jewel Sakura Azure Rainbow Phoenix Boreal Kairi Goddess Sue."

Hermione stood up so quickly her pumpkin juice flew over into a harried seventh-year's lap. She pointed at Harry with a manic grimace on her face. "That's it! You and I are going to dig the dirt up on Sue!" She grabbed Harry's wrist and dragged him out of the Great Hall, but not before glancing at the puzzled look on Ron's face.


	5. See how the Dirt looks cute on her?

Chapter 5- See how the Dirt even looks cute on her?

An update? This must be summer. I almost didn't because I enjoy reading comments (weird quirk) and with like, two per chapter, I almost didn't write anything. Blahblahblah, let's get to some parodying!

"Hermione," Harry whispered, "I don't particularly enjoy being dragged away from my breakfast when I have Quidditch. Why are you so concerned about Kairi Sue?"

Hermione spun her head around to face him so quickly that her hair slapped Harry across the face. "Don't you dare call her by one of her nauseating middle-" "First." "-first names. And besides, you said yourself that there was something underhanded about that horrid woman." Hermione continued to peer over the edge of the Grand Hall door.

Hermione's face darkened. Ron had his arm over Sue's shoulder. They were talking to each other like an American middle school couple; connected at the waist and sickeningly in love. However, everyone around them seemed too fascinated with Sue to notice. Hermione's face became livid. They were _snogging_. And, they were _snogging_ in front of everyone.

"What exactly _are_ they doing, Hermione?" Harry asked only to be greeted by another face full of hair. "Hermione? Hermione?" But Hermione was already far away.

eight

Mary was wandered down the hallways with her new boyfriend, Ronald. He was so hot. She could sense the jealousy oozing from every girl's face. But the greatest part about it was that Hermione knew all about it. Using her 'Sight', she knew that Hermione was hatching a plan to expose her. It didn't matter, for she already had a bigger, and obviously, better plan.

"Oh, Ronald," she said with an air of weakness, "I am ever so tired and our next class is ever so far away. Could you please carry me there?" Ron looked at her with a dazed and glazed look in his deep blue eyes. He smiled heroically. "Of course," he replied in a deep and valiant voice and lifted her off the ground.

Mary's long, gorgeous, beautiful, shiny, well-kept bubblegum pink hair with strategically placed shimmering gold streaks flowed in the wind, even though they were indoors. It brightened the drab hallway of Hogwarts and filled the air with a grand smell of vanilla, raspberry, waterfalls in Hawaii, orchids, green apple, cinnamon, roses, violets, the great smelling kind of sunscreen, the ocean and cotton candy. Everyone sighed in awe as it waved and shone in the sunlight. Ronald in particular, was the most fascinated by her long, gorgeous, beautiful, shiny, well-kept bubblegum pink hair with strategically placed shimmering gold streaks.

(Pardon the author note, but please skip the following paragraphs if you don't enjoy reading an entire paragraph about her eyes, nails, etc. I only did this since there's a hurricane going on right now.)

Mary Jaguar Amethyst Hunter Jewel Sakura Azure Rainbow Phoenix Boreal Kairi Goddess Sue's eyes were deep, mysterious, piercing, beautiful, shimmering, mesmerizing, iridescent, glittering, sparkling, intense and gorgeous sapphire with emerald accents and gold and purple flecks. Even though she was a Metamorphmagus, she never changed how her eyes looked, as they were deep, mysterious, piercing, beautiful, shimmering, mesmerizing, iridescent, glittering, sparkling, intense and gorgeous sapphire with emerald accents and gold and purple flecks. The most beautiful sea in the world looked almost as stunning as her eyes. Ronald's eyes were pretty, but hers were superior to everyone's, especially Hermione's.

And her lips were full, red and shiny. Now this is where I get bored about writing about her, cause I'm pretty sure everyone read ahead of these paragraphs. I, myself, never knew about Mary sues until last year, and my friend writes a ton of Gary Stu stories with like Mary Sue secondary characters. And then I heard about the worst fanfiction ever and my eyes (or ears, since I watched the 'movie') were bleeding. And seriously who needs an entire paragraph to describe a body part? I do most of mine in two sentences….

eight

Far away from Hogwarts, a short girl of twelve sat in front of her laptop, writing her parody in the midst of a storm. Nevertheless, it was bright indoors and the electricity was running perfectly. She was currently using paragraphs anticipated to be ignored to rant. Suddenly, the light turned off, and she felt someone's presence in the room. And it wasn't her older sister, as she was in the bathroom. No, this person felt imposingly perfect. _Too_ perfect. The author turned around slowly and before she could scream, a perfectly manicured hand clasped over her mouth and everything went black.

eight

When ray-chan96 awoke, her family was nowhere to be seen, and she tied up. The Mary Sue paced in front of her, without losing any of her perfection. She turned to face the twelve-year-old. She scowled, but still looked cute. Ray-chan96 held back the urge to throw her cookies.

Mary turned towards the laptop. "You weren't expecting to upload this? I mean look at how you dispraise me in it." Without waiting for an answer, she continued. "Well, it looks I'm just going to have to take over your story."


	6. whut lyk reelly happend

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Hey guys, Mary Sue is taking over my story! I need you to flame this chapter REALLY hard. But read it, so she's not…disbelieving. Crap, she's here!

eight

The Mary Sue strode over to the desktop, refined and elegant. She sneered a feminine sneer at the previous author, sat down, and flexed her long, slim fingers.

"You know," she said without looking at her captive, "Apparating across the Atlantic just to visit Jamaica to re-write your story was soooo boring, so I've decided to write in chatspeak."

"Absolutely no one reads chatspeak stories," ray-chan96 spat. "Any story that's written in it is flamed mercilessly."

"I don't think you understand," she snarled, condescending to look at her, "I am _the_ Mary Jaguar Amethyst Hunter Jewel Sakura Azure Rainbow Phoenix Boreal Kairi Goddess Sue. Anything I write is more than enough for such low-standard half-wits."

"But the readers are what make a story great!" ray-chan96 shot back. "And you'll just scare them away!"

But Mary had already started writing.

eight

so lyk, this wuz ttly how it rely happened. i was all lyk in ron's arms cuz he was all lyk so nice 2 me an all but n e way, lyk evry1 was lyk admiring me cuz I wuz all lyk soooo pretty an awsum an kool an stuff lyk that. so lyk hermione was all lyk 'i'm lyk on 2 u an stuff' an I wuz lyk 'ther's lyk nuttin 2 hide' and lyk my best frenz lavender and parvati wer all lyk 'ya hermione mary's all lyk awsum' an ron's all like 'ya Hermione lyk lay off' an she wuz all mad an stuff an harry who i lyk have a total crush on wuz all quiet an stuff. omg i wish i was like makin out wit ron cuz lyk writin is lyk soooo hard, omg!!

so lyk ron lyk carried me 2 lyk dumbledore's office cuz he an i r yk kool an stuff lyk that. so i lyk told him lyk i lyk needed lyk some tech stuff lyk mah ipod and mah laptop cuz like its like soooo boring lyk witout em. so Dumbledore wuz all lyk 'lol no prob mary but lyk only 4 u cuz ur sooo kool an awesome an pretty an stuff ok?' an so i wuz all like 'sure no prob!!' so like evry1 wants 2 b mah besty cuz lyk i'm ttly hooked up wit music an stuff.

lyk i'm tired of writin. soo wantin ron right now!! but n e way, i went 2 have breakfast an it was kool but lyk slow an stuff, lyk sooo much slower than mah ol skool!! so lyk harry was lyk lookin to make sure no 1 was lyk lisnin an lyk tol me i wuz lyk new captain of quidditch an it was lyk only him an me on tha team an ron was lyk lookin all sad an stuff so i told him he was all lyk sexy an hawt an cute an kool an he said hermione never preciated him an so we laughd at her and made out lyk a lot an i felt bad for all the otha boyz cuz they lyk ttly wantd me. i soooooo wish me an ron was still lyk makin out!! he is soooooo sexxxay!! but lyk we had lyk classes so we lyk had 2 go 2 them an lyk i changed mah hair cuz i'm a metamorphmagus an part veela an part mermaid and part fairy to lyk short black hair wit red streaks an the ends lyk dipped in purpl. i wanted 2 look goffik cuz lyk classes r lyk stoopid cuz I kno evrythin. lavender gave me mah timetable so I sed 'fangs' cuz I wuz feelin all goffik. lyk i'm reely tired of writin so lyk i'll tell u guys all bout it nex time.

_Mary Jaguar Amethyst Hunter Jewel Sakura Azure Rainbow Phoenix Boreal Kairi Goddess Sue_

eight

The Sue saved her abomination, and uploaded it to the website. ray-chan96 was sobbing on the inside due to having witnessed her type it up first hand.

"So, I guess next week then. You know, if those bumbling idiots who actually liked your last chapter can appreciate it."

"They're not idiots. And I don't think they will, Sue."

Mary looked affronted and Disapparated with a loud first line of "Gimme More" by Britney Spears.

"Good riddance,"ray-chan96 muttered once she left.


	7. Classes with McGonagall

Chapter 7

Classes with McGonagall

Mary's face contorted into a slightly un-feminine scowl as she read the flames.

"Didn't go over so well with the fans?" ray-chan96 jeered.

"Oh, shut up. Well, I guess these half-wits wouldn't recognise talent if it snowboarded on their mashed potatoes. I suppose you can go back to writing- as long as you don't insult me again, capeesh?" Mary Jaguar Amethyst Hunter Jewel Sakura Azure Rainbow Phoenix Boreal Kairi Goddess Sue said, wagging a perfectly manicured finger at the writer.

"Understood."

And with the first line of "Hot 'n Cold" by Katy Perry, she disapparated.

8eight8----------------------------------------------------------------------

With her new 'do, she strode into Transfiguration casting 'goffik' glares at innocent (and not quite innocent) passersby. Mary chose a seat near the back, not because she was supernova-model tall, but because it was as dark and secluded as her current phase. Ronald, Parvati and Lavender all sat at her table and frequently shot admiring glances at her. McGonagall walked into the classroom with some terrified-looking puppies in a cage floating behind her. Immediately the classroom was silent.

"Today, we will be transfiguring these puppies into table lamps," she called out from her desk. "As they are afraid of this classroom, you will also have to keep them from leaping across the tables. Now, I would like our new student, and _Gryffindor_-"she said with pride; "-Mary Jaguar Amethyst Hunter Jewel Sakura Azure Rainbow Phoenix Boreal Kairi Goddess Sue to hand them out."

Mary rolled her sapphire with emerald accents and gold and purple flecks eyes. Didn't Professor McGonagall get that 'goffik' people didn't help teachers?

"Excuse me Professor McGonagall, but don't you like, get, that 'goffik' people don't help anyone?" Mary sneered without raising her hand.

Professor McGonagall's eyes narrowed and her lips transformed into an extremely thin line, and they almost seemed to disappear.

"Come here, Ms. Sue," she said with an undertone of utter disgust and hatred.

Mary rolled her eyes again, and sauntered up to the front. She walked with surprising ease although her heels were four-inches high and her skirt extremely tight, and obviously, short. Surpassing McGonagall in height (with help from her stilettos), Mary shot the professor a hypnotizing stare.

_Listen to __Mary Jaguar Amethyst Hunter Jewel Sakura Azure Rainbow Phoenix Boreal Kairi Goddess Sue._

_Stop being such a prude._

_Let Mary Jaguar Amethyst Hunter Jewel Sakura Azure Rainbow Phoenix Boreal Kairi Goddess Sue do whatever she wants to do._

_Start picking on Hermione Granger._

_Raise Ronald Weasley's grade._

_Give Mary Jaguar Amethyst Hunter Jewel Sakura Azure Rainbow Phoenix Boreal Kairi Goddess Sue an extremely large amount of house points for anything and everything._

_Make your classes more fun._

_Wear makeup._

_Wear better clothes._

_Compliment Mary Jaguar Amethyst Hunter Jewel Sakura Azure Rainbow Phoenix Boreal Kairi Goddess Sue every day._

_Stop giving Hermione Granger good grades, even if she earns it._

_Get a new hairstyle._

And all McGonagall's brain could do was obey every self-centred command.

88eight88--------------------------------------------------------------------

Hermione glowered in Mary's direction while pretending to write notes from her textbook. A muffled yelp of pain redirected her attention. In her fury, she hap started writing on Harry's hand, which was now covered with ink-filled scratches.

eight

"Seriously, Hermione?" Harry said as he placed the fifth bandage on his hand, "Do you really think this-"he gently shoved his hand in her face- "is worth proving Mary of doing anything wrong?"

Hermione nodded imperiously. "Of course it is. What are a few engravings in your flesh compared to the glorious defeat of all that is wrong and unfairly gifted? Just think, Harry, of all the lives ruined by her behaviour! When we take her down, no longer will your wounds bleed and sting, but shine with the pure rays of victory!"

Harry stared at her, alarmed. He never witnessed Hermione this deranged- and scary- except before examinations.

"Okay," he said, slowly. "So, what are you going to have me do?"

"You and I are going to research Sue on the freshly installed computers in the library. I want you to dig up every ounce of dirt about her. EVERY SINGLE MOLECULE OF FILTH."

Harry really was getting frightened of Hermione's newfound determination. "But don't we have potions next, Hermione?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Whatever, fine. We'll just do it during lunch then."

88eight88--------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey, I'm back online! I'd like to thank everyone who flamed, and a particular shout-out goes to NickyFox13. The-Worlds-Naneth, what happened? I haven't heard from you in a while. I need some votes/ideas for the next class, so review with said votes/ideas for the next chapter!

From my keyboard to your screen,

ray-chan96


	8. The Poor Potions Master

Chapter 8

Professor Snape, The Potions Master

I am so sorry that I didn't update for nigh a year. I am so blooming lazy, I disgust myself.

"Didn't you see that? DIDN'T YOU SEE THAT?" Hermione hissed to Harry. As he had guessed, she was referring to Mary Something-or-Other, as she seemed to be the only thing that made Hermione's grammar questionable. Harry wasn't quite sure why, but the very mention of Mary was enough to have Hermione throw something at someone, as in, a heavy book at Harry. But the fact that someone could sway McGonagall was more than a bit odd.

As they walked towards the dungeons for Potions, Harry noticed Ron looking confused as if he had woken up in the hallway. Meanwhile, Harry started to feel drowsy and overwhelmed by a gust of treacle tart, broomstick and something floral. It smelled, well, _excellent_. Hermione appeared to have not noticed it as she was still looking hot and bothered.

Mary was getting so _bored_ with Ronald and stopped mesmerizing her with her scent. She walked ahead of him until she reached the classroom. Predicting where Harry was sitting, because she was 'cool' like that, she sat in the seat next to it, and turned the aroma up full blast. At that moment, Professor Snape came in.

"Turn to page 348 in your textbooks," he said, but stopped short. He was looking in Mary's direction. Mary had changed her eyes for the first time and now they looked like Harry's; green and almond shaped, because she sensed it. That and her hair was now long and dark red, because, she was 'so totally smart like that'.

Snape strode, well, in truth, stumbled in a canter out of the classroom. The class was silent for twenty seconds, and then exploded in fanfare and hoots and cheers. And it was all because of Mary. That's right, _Hermione_. It was all for her.

If you are anything like me, you would have noticed the reference to another Mary Sue who smelled 'well excellent'. And you would have laughed because it was a horrible book, if you were anything like me.

"Hey, Hermione, when did I get here?"

Hermione narrowed her eyes, scowled and then turned to face him. "So _now_ you come to me for answers, _Ronald_?"

"Actually Hermione, I don't remember anything from the past few days. I think. I'm not sure- Hermione?" Hermione had run off towards Harry without letting Ron finish his sentence. She finally had a theory besides the one about Sue being a character written by some 12 or 14 year old with over-active hormones who thought too highly about her writing skills.

Then the thinkable but unexpected happened. Harry was with Sue, looking smitten and punch-drunk, a bit like how Ron did before. Hermione pulled him from behind him and a corner.

"What are you doing?" she nearly screamed at him.

"Hermione, you worry too much. Hey, what's an iPod?"

"A what?"

"An _iPOD_. Mary said that she just got the new one and has the entire 'Lady Gaga' or something's album."

"Who is Lady Gaga?"

"I have no idea. It is 1995, right?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Just making sure. Hey, I might not catch you later, Mary has something planned for us to do."

"You're going out _with SUE?!?!_"

"That's her last name, don't call her that."

"_IT DOESN'T MATTER!!_"

End Chapter 8.


	9. Conspiracy to Nothing, so far, who knows

Chapter 9

"Hey, Hermione, really," Ron called after her. "Could you explain what's going on here? Please? If I did something, I honestly don't remember doing it."

Hermione had to admit it, he was right, and she didn't have any choice _but_ to accept his 'apology'. There was a hundred different ways to go about finding the truth, and the only one that made sense doing now, wasn't _extremely_ illegal, and wouldn't raise too many suspicions relied on an ally. Hermione would've asked Ginny, but with Harry hypnotized by Sue, it was probably best to stick to someone who wouldn't explode on her. She turned around reluctantly.

"Yes, I suppose you're right," she said (in a hopefully not poisonous tone). "Ron, I'm going to have to ask you a favour..."

"Hermione. You still haven't answered me."

"Right. Come with me," she said and walked towards the common room.

"Hey, it's the girl from the compartment. Why is she with Harry?" Ron asked as they walked back out of the common room, for obvious and inconvenient reasons.

"I'll explain that too. Just..._come_," she said, pulling Ron along outside.

"Hermione, it's freezing outside."

"Exactly. No one's going to see us."

"Hermione, why exactly do we not want anyone to see us?"

"JUST COME."

Hermione couldn't hide the fact that she was hiding something, and Mary wanted to find out. But it _would_ look suspicious to just drop _darling_ Harry and run after her. That was the only problem with being pretty, awesome, popular, articulate, powerful, smart, beautiful, creative, shapely, stunning, skinny, rare, perfect, fine, delicious, glamorous, famous, intelligent, charismatic, logical, athletic, imaginative, gifted, deep, thoughtful, amazing, grand, awe-inspiring, quick, witty, flexible, balanced, accurate, fearless, insightful, attractive, alluring, exciting, prestigious, sophisticated, impressive, elegant, good-looking, fascinating, thrilling, talented, enchanting, sensational, ethereal, otherworldly, delicate, strong, light, splendiferous, charming, pleasant, extraordinary, luscious, lovely and more than _just_ a bag of chips. No one ever stopped appreciating her, meaning all eyes were on her all the time. Maybe if she just asked them to leave her alone.....

"Darling, Harry, could you.... back off? For a while."

"But whatever for, dearest Mary?"

"Just do it."

"Anything for you, the light of my life, the path of my soul, the-"

"Could _everyone _back off?"

"Anything for youuuu, Mary!" everyone replied.

"You're all so kind," she said as she got up (gracefully, too, considering it was her and Harry wedged into one armchair). " Mary," the Fat Lady said. "_You_ don't ever have to give the password again. You're special."

"_Thank you all!" _Mary sang in her ethereal, beautiful, haunting singing voice as she did a ballet/ jazz fusion out of the opening.

"WE LOVE YOU, MARY!"

"... And then you looked like you just woke up, then Harry went off with Sue, and she's planning something horrible and we've got to stop her," Hermione said, finishing one long run-on sentence.

"Wait.... did she make Snape cry a little?" Ron asked, snickering.

"_Be SERIOUS_!" Hermione shrieked, and hit him with a book she carried with her, because she knew this would happen. "We need to do something!"

"You said she gave off a pheromone or potion aroma that made people love her, right?" Ron asked, wincing in pain.

"Yes, I did."

"Maybe she's pure Amortentia, or something."

"No, but... Ron! You've got it!"

"Got what? Amortentia?"

"No! Maybe she bathes in it, or washes her hair in it, or-"

"Convinced the house-elves to put it into everybody's food?" finished a melodic, but sinister voice. Ron and Hermione whipped around to see a very tall, skinny Mary Sue with death black hair, intense purple eyes, a really long neck, pale skin, and some strange black, revealing elfish-overlord (or rather, lady) outfit. "It was the same day _you_, Hermione, refused to eat, you pompous, grandiloquent, bookish nerd!"

"Really?" Ron said. "That's oddly... convenient."

"Yes, it is," Mary exclaimed. "But you'll forget we ever had this conversation _soon enough_." She pulled out a matching black wand that was the Elder Wand, only thing is, this one was sparkly and had matching purple vines on it.

"Hermione, run!"

"Ron, run!"


	10. I want You After All !

Chapter 10

It is a difficult thing to describe exactly what happened just then. Imagine a strangely supposedly beautiful death-lady thing shooting multicoloured bursts at a red-haired and bushy-headed duo. As the death-lady shoots one burst, the pair runs wildly towards a column across from where they were before. Moreover, the death-lady is somewhat non-threatening, and it occurs to you that it would make sense for the pair to take out their wands and fight back.

But then again, you tell yourself, this is all due to the Firewhiskey a classmate gave you to try this morning.

As for Ron and Hermione, it hadn't occurred to them just yet to take out their wands, because to them, a murderous lump of perfect would probably retaliate in a far worse manner than multicoloured jets of some all-powerful spell she probably made up by herself, because she's 'smart like that'. As a matter of fact, it didn't even occur to them that Sue, 'goffik' as she may be, wouldn't kill them due to some 'deep personal morals and ethics'.

"Stop hiding!!!1!!11!!" Mary shrieked in a non-shrieky way, because her voice was still perfectly melodious. "I'm not going to kill you!!!11!!!! Killing is BAD!!!1!!" Regardless of this, Ron and Hermione kept running away.

"OMG, UGH!!!1!1one!!1!" Mary shrieked in the way only she could, and using her apparently mermaid powers, because she's half-elf, mermaid, siren (although they are the same thing), angel, vampire, fairy, demon, centaur, goddess and alien princess, and she closed her glistening orbs normal people call eyes, and grabbed hold of Ron and Hermione with her mind. She floated Ron over carefully, and Hermione haphazardly, accidentally-on-purpose knocking her head against a column.

"I just want you to know, that I just wanted to talk, because I'm sympathetic and nice and forgiving!!!11!!! But I really can't let you guys know what I just told you, because of reasons unknown!!11!1!1!1!!!!!"

"That's so stupid," Hermione spat. "If everyone loves you, why would we have to keep it a secret?"

"That's why it's reasons unknown!!11!! Duh." In fact, the reasons unknown were just really a plot hole.

"Look, Mary, can you just let us down?" Ron pleaded. "We're not going to tell ANYONE."

"Promise?" Mary sniffed, even though she really could have just read his mind, but that would have meant that there would be none of:

"Oh, Ronald, you know I always loved you and not Harry."

"That's... nice, Mary."

"Ron, we were always supposed to be together, I know that because I can see into the future."

"That's great, Mary."

"OOOoooOOOohhhh, Rooooonnnnallllld!!!!!11!!1!! I love you soooooo!!!!!"

"Yeah, thanks, Mary."

"I'll set you free, but only if you promise to lay with me among the Forbidden Forest and confess your mutual and undying love for me!" Mary concluded with a sickeningly sweet pout of her perfectly shaped lips [although this is still rated K.]

Ron's colour drained at this. He looked frantically over to Hermione, who was currently vomiting. Now was the time for quick thinking, but how could anyone think quickly when there is a cooing abomination trying to get you to do things that older audiences can only guess?

"When-when would this be exactly?"

"Now, duh."

"But, Mary, we have class now."

"I never get in trouble. Unless I'm being angsty. Then I always get in trouble."

"Yeah, but I do get in trouble a lot, so, uh, I have to go to class."

This seemed to register in Mary's head, and she released Ron carefully and Hermione (with no care whatsoever) back onto the grass. Once Ron's feet and Hermione's face hit the ground, Mary glided in an admittedly graceful way towards Ron. Her eyelashes fluttered and her lips puckered and she walked closer and closer towards him, her lips reaching his until-

"Oh look, time for class, I don't want detention again, come Hermione, goodbye Mary!" Ron said hurriedly, picked up his friend and dashed off. It was at this time that Mary read his mind, and realized that he didn't want her anymore.

_Well, _she thought, _I'll just have to _make_ him want me! _She floated towards the entrance or Hogwarts and ignored the admiring stares of her many fans and called out, "Harry?"


	11. Preparing for War or a duel, whatever

**Chapter 11**

**(A/N: I know it's been years since I've updated and on a cliffhanger too? I'm sorry guys)**

Upon the glorious cry of her voice, Harry's head swiveled towards the heaving and delicately sobbing flower of his girlfriend. Tears glistened and streaked her face, and upon them falling to the floor, small flowers with jewels for petals sprouted from the hardwood floors. Without thinking, Harry turned and ran to her, knocking several pathetic first years to the ground.

"Mon petite fleur," he moaned as she fell slowly and softly into his unchiseled arms. "Who has done this to you? I must know, so that I may rip their head from the-"

Mary placed two pearlescent and slender fingers to his lips and shook her head sadly, sending waves of euphoria from her tresses into the presence of surrounding students. "No, Harry, my heart, there will be no need for violence, not yet. I-I ju- I jus-" she stammered, shivering with her radiance and his undying passionate innocent love. She pulled his face closer to hers, and now they were at such an angle that there was congestion on either side of them of students who needed to enter or exit the building. "My poor blue-eyed-"

"They're green."

"Green-eyed protector, it's the most dreadful thing! You know the two with the terrible hair, those you had once called your friends? They- they are threatening our undying and eternal amour!"

"You mean Ron and Hermione."

"YES! YES! Oh, a thousand times yes, Harry!" The tears that were falling now were unnaturally bright and sparkly and were cascading down her face at a disturbing rate. "You remember how I was once infatuated with Ron? And of how terribly Hermione treated me?"

Harry's eyes unglazed at this question, and he looked up and around in confusion as he tried to remember. He dropped Mary to the ground and scratched his head.

"Er, I guess? It's very vague."

Mary floated up to a proper standing position and grabbed Harry's robes. She pressed herself onto him, which was a bad idea, considering that there was no wall behind him. The tears resumed as they fell backwards. "Never mind that! It's just that now, Ronald, consumed with the jealousy that's always been in his soul, is determined to win back the only thing of any value from the person he hates and envies the most!"

"…Is that person me?" Harry asked slowly.

"WHO ELSE COULD IT- I mean, of course, you wise and loyal man, and the girl, she's always, always, ALWAYS been out to get me, ever since I moved here. I don't want to judge such a poor soul, but I think it's because she's so bitter that I'm more beautiful and talented than she could ever have imagined of hoping to be!"

Harry paused before answering. "I'm not entirely sure I understand the problem. I mean, you're amazing and powerful, can't you defeat them both?"

Despite being shed in copious amounts, Mary's tears were still elegant. "But my love, I need you to protect me from Ronald! He's terrorizing me, pushing me into walls, smelling my hair, following around and I thought you were going to protect me! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!" However possible, more tears were falling, and Mary's chest was now heaving a mile a minute.

Harry took her hands in his and looked her directly in those glistening and mesmerizing eyes. _I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME_ was ringing in his ears. He embraced her and whispered, "My goddess, I will do anything for you."

Mary got up quickly and brushed herself off. "Okay, thanks," she giggled. There was no evidence on her face that she had just been crying. "You can use violence now," she sang before walking off to the Astronomy Tower.

Harry picked himself off the ground, pulled out his wand and stared at it. "I guess," he murmured to himself, "It's time to discover where Ron and Hermione's loyalties really lie." He turned dramatically towards class, pushing several lower-schoolers out of his way.


End file.
